21st century diary entry...

I created this blog months ago...perhaps even a year ago, to chronicle my life and the lives of my daughter and hubby. I sat on it and never posted a thing. To me, it feels funny writing about my life for all the world read. I don't think I can be completely honest, so there is a sense of hesitancy to everything I will write. So, is it completely honest? No. Can I try to write memories and leave a modern sort of diary for my daughter to look at one day? Absolutely.

Lately, I've been astounded by Mady's lack of sensitivity, in relation to my abundance of sensitivity. I feel things so intensely: love, hate, guilt, rage, happiness, pride, sadness, that at times, it overwhelms me. But I learn a lot from watching Mady, and I think we balance each other out.

Case in point: last week I had to work instead of going out with Mad and Jason to pick out our Christmas tree. Thoughts were going through my head like, "This is only her 5th Christmas", "I should be there" and, "Oh God, what if they choose an ugly tree??" So later, I called from work and asked to speak with her on the phone, and Iasked her if she had fun, and if they picked a tall tree. I thought, if I couldn't physically be there to pick out the tree, I can be present by asking questions and letting Mady know that it was important to me. Finally, I asked her if she picked the most beautiful tree on the lot.

Her answer?

"Mom, they all look the same."

Deadpan. To the point. Practical.

I hung up the phone and laughed at her response. She was right. It's just a tree, and simply one activity among the bounty of activities we have planned for Christmas. She didn't need me. She didn't miss me. She picked a tree. Done.

When I got home a mere 2 hours later, we had a blast listening to Christmas music and decorating our tree. Jason does the lights. I do the strings of beads. And although I laid out what I thought to be the most beautiful ornaments for Mady to hang, she chose first to hang an old Scooby Doo ornament.

And the tree is beautiful, and it twinkles, and everyone is happy....including me.